You don't know how.
You don't know when to love again...
You have to learn to love again."
-Pentatonix, "Learn To Love Again"
Learning to love yourself is painful. You have to realize that no one can ever love you as much as you have the capacity to love yourself, and that fucking hurts. We all have that innate desire to be loved by someone. That need and drive doesn't matter if you want to admit it or not. That feeling of someone beside you, needing you, falling asleep next to someone every night, knowing you have that constant support, someone to share laughs with, and (hopefully) the endless supply of sex. It's addicting. Man, that euphoric feeling is so great. But at the end of the day, it's an addiction. And the first step to overcoming any addiction is admitting you have the problem....
::deep breath:: "Hi, my name is Andrew LeFey, and I am addicted to relationships."
Ouch. That hurt....
Now for my story, I guess.
Breaking up with my ex, who I still cared for deeply, was easy. We were toxic for each other. We hadn't been getting along in awhile. But it wasn't easy because of all that. It was easy because I had found someone else. I met my soulmate in-person finally. Well, one of them (I don't subscribe to the "there is only one other person in this world who can complete me" scenario. There are many souls out there who compliment yours, it's all about timing). We had been a part of the same class in our Mystery School and had conversed for over two years online, and we finally met at a summer festival in Salem, NH. Meeting him was like running into a brick wall. I can't even begin to describe the feelings that coursed through me the first moment we hugged. Needless to say, we were inseparable that entire weekend (if you were there and are reading this, I do apologize and I promise I will make it up to you next time I see you). After we returned to our respective homes, there was about a month of being silly and in love, then reality set in, and we parted ways and remained friends. During that time, I had left my ex, moved in with my best friend and was couch surfing.
It was great that I had left my ex, the reason was not so great. I had found a new drug to feed my addiction. Once he and I were done, I swore off men. Until the next one came along, and he turned out to be a dick (pardon the pun). Then the next one. Then I went about a month without a relationship. Then started seeing someone. I was being courted this time. That lasted all of a month. My feelings for these guys was genuine. I loved the ones I loved, and cared for them all. But at the end of the day, I wasn't being honest with myself. I wasn't loving myself.
Honestly, I tanked then. There were other factors here: I had lost my job, and had been having a hard time finding a new one. I spiraled into a depression I haven't seen since I was a teenager. I had lost my drug, and no new source prospects were available. I was faced with the knowledge that I was alone. For the first time in my adult life, I was by myself. I got angry with people for no reason. I spent hours and days in bed, not eating for days, or binge eating pretty much anything, with Netflix on 24/7. I felt worthless. Like no one would ever want me again. I slept around. New guy every night type thing (not slut shamming here, I'm a proud Slut). I made excuses to myself and those closest to me that I was fine. I pasted that smile on. I knew that I was just trying to fill a void in my life by using guys to make me feel wanted.
I know that only you can make yourself happy. At least consciously, I do. But like I said, the side effects of dating are addicting. Doing meditations and journeys with my Guides, I was given messages, and most of the time they were things I didn't want to hear:
"Stop talking, start working."
"You're by yourself, but you are never alone."
"The only one who can love you for you is you."
"You are the Light for your Life. Through your Will, your Work be done."
I'm stronger than I've been before
This is the part when I break free
'Cause I can't resist it no more"
-Ariana Grande ft. Zedd, "Break Free"
It wasn't until one afternoon, I had just gotten home with my roommate, and was sitting in bed in tears, crying for no reason, that everything clicked. It was as if I had found the key to all the chains that were binding me down and I used it. Weights just lifted off of me, and I felt free. I felt the love of the Divine flowing through me again. All the messages I had been getting started making sense, and I could see myself for me. And damn, it was not a pretty sight. But you know what I did see underneath the pain? I saw someone who is beautiful. I saw someone who loves his friends and family. I saw someone that is strong. And then I got angry. Not at anyone but myself for allowing me to get to this point in my life. I'm going to use that anger to fuel myself, my Will to be done.
I know that I have work to do. I know that that was only the first step. But the first step is normally the hardest, even though the Road may not be easy. I know I will stumble and fall, I know that I will have weak moments and give in to something I shouldn't, but I see now the support I have always had around me. Both in the Astral, and in the Physical. I want to do the Work I need to do, to build myself up, and be the person I know I can become.
And you know what? I can do it.
"Hi, my name is Andrew Lefey, and I am addicted to relationships. But someday...someday I'm going to be addicted to myself."
